My Best New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest Captions of 2014

The truth is I'm not very funny. If you don't believe me, just ask my wife. Or else ask one of the judges of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest where almost two years' worth of my most earnestly hilarious entries have met with an imperturbable indifference. Humor is a tough business, my friends.

This year I have decided to gather my best entries, such as they are, for one last airing before the New Year. These are the captions I am most proud to reprise, even though they have been consigned to oblivion by the powers that be at the New Yorker. And they ought to know what's funny.

Whether these will ever rise to the New Yorker's standards I don't know, but I think nevertheless my captions have improved, particularly in the latter half of this year. If you'd like to see the actual finalists and the winning captions for these cartoons, just click on the aqua links. And away we go....


Contest #412 by Tom Cheney:

"I'll show you my act if you'll show me yours."

Contest #413 by Liam Francis Walsh:

"It's okay. He just wants my drug plan card."

Contest #414 by Harry Bliss:

"It once shut down the G.W.B., but you didn't hear it from me."

Contest #419 by P. C. Vey:

"Good news!  Guess what your health insurance covers?"

Contest #420 by Drew Dernavich:

"I miss the old lawyerly back-and-forth."

Contest #424 by Tom Cheney:

"I still say we should do the laundry at my mother's."

Contest #427 by Benjamin Schwartz:

"Let's try less Linda Hamilton, more Martha Stewart."

Contest #429 by Harry Bliss:

"No, not that 'A Little Night Music.'"

Contest #431 by P. C. Vey:

"I thought I would be more interesting."

"Did you really expect complimentary Wi-Fi?"

Contest #433 by Tom Cheney:

"We could use a chandelier."

Contest #435 by Michael Crawford:

"So much for the free valet parking."

Contest #437 by Liza Donnelly:

"It's fortified with eight essential steroids."

Contest #438 by Matthew Diffee:

"If they give you a choice, take the ankle bracelet."

Contest #440 by Danny Shanahan:

"I'm so pumped!"

Contest #441 by Michael Crawford:

"One day you're fearless, the next--gutless."

Contest #442 by Michael Maslin:

"You were hexting!"

Contest #445 by Tom Cheney:

"It makes its own gas."

Contest #447 by Victoria Roberts:

"We could all use a belly rub, Doctor."

Contest #448 by Frank Cotham:

"I still call him the boss from hell."

Contest #449 by Jack Ziegler:

"Do you need the bathroom?"

Contest #450 by David Borchart:

"We got the Zumba account, whatever that is."

Contest #454 by P. C. Vey:

"Now if only we could keep out the hackers."

Contest #456 by Michael Maslin:

"You were pontificating in your sleep."

Note:  This year I've been entering another cartoon caption contest, the small one run by Moment magazine and Bob Mankoff. I've had better luck there.